Death FOMO

Beginning of the year I had anxiety.. I had been going to all these funerals and seen people die like flies. I couldn't help but wonder about my own death..

I realised something that I knew but had never come to terms with.
When you die it's over, you are no more.
I love watching series and movies and with those every time a season ends there will be a new one and you'll get to see those people again. Even if it ends completely, you can still watch repeates and binge as much as you want, they'll never be wiped off the face of the earth.. And I guess that is how I saw life. I convinced myself, subconsciously, that when a person is dead, when I am dead I'll watch repeates. I travel and I love to travel, so I saw death as traveling somewhere still to return..

But then I got to thinking and realised that death meant a forever trip to nowhere. When I'm dead I won't ever see the people I love ever again, not even on Facebook. No pics no calls.. just a forever sleep never to wake up again. And that made me anxious. I mean I would be missing out on life forever, it's scary.

But then I realised that Jesus offers us eternal life. So when I die I'll wake up, somewhere 100000x better than any place I could ever imagine. I will be an angel in heaven and my past life will not matter anymore because I will be in paradise.
You see when you are afraid of dying it means that you do not have faith in who you pray to. Being afraid means that you are not ready to leave this life that you are living and when you are a Christian you need to always be ready to go join angels in heaven.
What waits for us after death is far greater than what we have here on earth. I need not have death FOMO, infact I should be happy that I have been saved, because Jesus has a room for me in His Father's house..

Amen

The hole that will never be filled

You would've been 2 years old.. a little me running around bringing sunshine to this other wise dark world..

even though I never met you I miss you.. I miss feeling you grow inside of me, your little kicks, how you would dance around in my tummy whenever I'd just be sitting. how you'd kick when I was eating something delicious, you loved meat, anything with with mayo and you'd jump around.. I miss how sick you made me the first month, how much energy you gave me.. The huge nose made me feel you, cuddling the growing bump made me feel at peace, you brought me so much peace..
I'll never forget how much you made me adore my niece, how my whole day would change when I saw her, I know it was you and I know you would've adored her if you ever met her..
There's a hole in my heart, a hole where you were that will never be filled..
the day you were taken from me was the worst day, I almost bled to death, suffered for months because the pain of losing you was unbearable.. When the nurse took your lifeless body away, when she said it was a boy my entire body died.. I will never forget.. I'll never get over you.. I know you are an angel in heaven and I know that's where you belong but I wish you were here.. I wish I could've been strong enough to give you life, I failed you, as your mother I failed to give you life, I am sorry, I am sorry I didn't do everything in my power to give you life, I'm sorry I didn't insist on the treatment to keep you alive, I failed you and I am sorry..
I miss you my baby, and I pray God keeps you for me.. I pray for your soul, I pray..
I love you and I will forever love you