Destiny revealed

 I am going to be one of those women who come home from work gets on her laptop with a bottle of wine, finishes off work then watches movies in bed and falls asleep. I had a vision and that is who I am destined to be.

You know, one of those women who's career is her life. She's probably a manager at work, drives a German machine, has no kids, probably divorced and dates younger men. The rich aunt who takes her nieces and nephews to spa dates when she gets broody (she never had her own children). She has a few degrees under her belt and is still studying, hosts Sunday brunches and is friends with married successful women who love to drink and socialize to escape their boring lives. A traveler who spends her money on any and everything, online shopping is her hobby and she is always looking fresh.

I won't have any pets because I'm never home longer than two weeks and I'll have a top of the range kitchen which I hardly use, a swimming pool and braai area/ entertainment area and a house that is too big for one person. 

I'll probably be in a long distance relationship with a career man who works out of time. live in a beach house off the coast of a beautiful town in the Eastern or Western Cape. 2 cars. The city won't be far from my reach and it will be my playground.

after a bubble bath and a few glasses of wine I realized that this is who I am becoming, this woman is my destiny, she is who I want to be and she is who I will be in 5 years. Working in the private sector with a beautiful paycheque and lots of benefits. traveling the word with my passport always at hand. Private blogger, of course. Spending my money on holidays, lavish dinners, clothes, cars and multiple properties. 

It is clear now, this is where my life is headed, and I'm fine with that 

We are an endangered species

I was talking to LOML the other day about how I didn't feel safe walking in town that day, joking about how I need a bodyguard. This wasn't the first or second time I told him my fear..
The sad reality is we live in fear. I'm afraid if I go jogging I might get abducted, raped and killed by a group of MEN. I'm afraid that while I'm sitting at home a MAN might break in and murder me.
I know so many women, I fear for them because in this world they are the pray. See women don't live, women survive. You are lucky if you've never been abused, you are lucky if you've never been raped, you are lucky if you've never had to fight for your life..
We, South African women, are an endangered species

The Talk

The day my mother sat me down to talk about the boy I'm dating..

Heart Ach

It seems as if whenever something bad happens if something makes me sad it has something to do with a boy..

Yes I'm dissapointed that I am a victim of being dribbled, but I have been through this enough to know that it is not the end of the world.
Somewhere out there is the perfect man for me and I am willing to wait for Him.
My life is not gonna stand still just because ther's a man who doesn't know my value, I know my value and I will preserve it in every way I can.

I am worth more than gold,
I'm a boss, bitch.. I don't cry

Death FOMO

Beginning of the year I had anxiety.. I had been going to all these funerals and seen people die like flies. I couldn't help but wonder about my own death..

I realised something that I knew but had never come to terms with.
When you die it's over, you are no more.
I love watching series and movies and with those every time a season ends there will be a new one and you'll get to see those people again. Even if it ends completely, you can still watch repeates and binge as much as you want, they'll never be wiped off the face of the earth.. And I guess that is how I saw life. I convinced myself, subconsciously, that when a person is dead, when I am dead I'll watch repeates. I travel and I love to travel, so I saw death as traveling somewhere still to return..

But then I got to thinking and realised that death meant a forever trip to nowhere. When I'm dead I won't ever see the people I love ever again, not even on Facebook. No pics no calls.. just a forever sleep never to wake up again. And that made me anxious. I mean I would be missing out on life forever, it's scary.

But then I realised that Jesus offers us eternal life. So when I die I'll wake up, somewhere 100000x better than any place I could ever imagine. I will be an angel in heaven and my past life will not matter anymore because I will be in paradise.
You see when you are afraid of dying it means that you do not have faith in who you pray to. Being afraid means that you are not ready to leave this life that you are living and when you are a Christian you need to always be ready to go join angels in heaven.
What waits for us after death is far greater than what we have here on earth. I need not have death FOMO, infact I should be happy that I have been saved, because Jesus has a room for me in His Father's house..

Amen

The hole that will never be filled

You would've been 2 years old.. a little me running around bringing sunshine to this other wise dark world..

even though I never met you I miss you.. I miss feeling you grow inside of me, your little kicks, how you would dance around in my tummy whenever I'd just be sitting. how you'd kick when I was eating something delicious, you loved meat, anything with with mayo and you'd jump around.. I miss how sick you made me the first month, how much energy you gave me.. The huge nose made me feel you, cuddling the growing bump made me feel at peace, you brought me so much peace..
I'll never forget how much you made me adore my niece, how my whole day would change when I saw her, I know it was you and I know you would've adored her if you ever met her..
There's a hole in my heart, a hole where you were that will never be filled..
the day you were taken from me was the worst day, I almost bled to death, suffered for months because the pain of losing you was unbearable.. When the nurse took your lifeless body away, when she said it was a boy my entire body died.. I will never forget.. I'll never get over you.. I know you are an angel in heaven and I know that's where you belong but I wish you were here.. I wish I could've been strong enough to give you life, I failed you, as your mother I failed to give you life, I am sorry, I am sorry I didn't do everything in my power to give you life, I'm sorry I didn't insist on the treatment to keep you alive, I failed you and I am sorry..
I miss you my baby, and I pray God keeps you for me.. I pray for your soul, I pray..
I love you and I will forever love you

I have never been happier

I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would one day stand in a room full of people and preach..
I never ever thought that I would choose this path for myself, church has always been a must and not a choice but working whole heartedly for the church of God is a choice, a choice I made..
I found fulfilment and purpose in church, dare I say I found my calling..
spending an entire day in church hearing people from different walks of life preach and testify and praise and worship the Lord is so much fun. More fun than any party, chillas, drinking session I have ever been to. Wow, who would've known.
My soul feela fulfilled, my heart at peace, joy, so much joy.
This choice is the best choice I have ever made.. I am busy with meetings, writing letters, preaching, all for the glory of The Lord..
I am so greatful and blessed
I thank God 🙏🏼

Also I have no desire to go out or drink or do anything other than go to church and get busy..
this is an amazing feeling 😋☺😊

Amen

on this a beautiful day i felt a sense of hope... things are feeling like they are coming together. i cannot speak on it right
now but it is all going t be alright.. its gonna work out for me soon and i will be happy.. like for real legit happy not the kind of happy when i start a new relationship... and finally this hope has nothing to do with a man or a boy or love or any other third party.. its the happy between me myself i and my God.

i pray this all works out because God knows how much my soul needs this..

i pry with all my heart that the Lord sees me through and helps me, helps this to happen so i can grow...

may the good Lord love and protect you all.. in the name of Jesus Amen..

stuck in the middle of a war

I am stuck in the middle..
my allegiances have been properly shown but still I am stuck..

Both sides are right but both are wrong one more than the other. I have made it clear to the one side that I find offence personally in their actions but this side refuses to wave it's white flag.
I know my place, I can't say too much, I can't show too much support for the other side because it could jeopardise my wellbeing. But what is one to do.

Important milestones are being missed. I am missing things I should be there for, because of words that were misplaced.. the inability to keep ones mouth shut is a disadvantage, knowing when not to speak up is a gift, one that is undervalued. I wish I could turn back the time and warn the other side that overstating is never recommended when it comes to this situation. A private life is a happy life and distance provides peace of mind.
I wish I could tell this one side to stop it already, nobody is benefiting from this war..

I wish I could apologise to each side on their behalf, take their proxy and hug it out..
This war is killing innocent souls, souls that had nothing to do with it all.
I hate conflict, I wish we could all just get along..
I hate drama I wish we could all just laugh it out..
I hate this tension..
I wish ego's could be left out of this..
I miss the norm, I miss the happiness, I miss the sunshine.
This war is dark, cold, dry.. the light has been killed it's all dark and gloomy..

I hate this war..
I wish it would end..

Shout out to Miss Booysen

Teachers do really shape your future..

My absolute favourite teacher in highschool was Miss Ilsa Booysen, I just absolutely adored everything about her.

She was involved in almost all the extramural activities that I participated in, and she was probably one of the reasons why I would join, apart from the badges ofcourse.

When it came to teaching life science (Biology) her eyes would light up, she would become so up beat and happy.
When your teacher is teaching you with such enthusiasm you learn better, your mood changes and you associate the subject or lesson with the energy the teacher taught you with.
She had a passion for biology and she knew exactly what she was talking about. Watching her teach us about the brain was almost like watching a Broadway play. She would almost do backflips in class when it came to the brain.
All that excitement rubbed off on me and I knew whatever I did in my life it had to involve biology or atleast cognition or neuroscience.
I remember in grade 10 she said "never ever throw your grade 11 and 12 biology books away" and I listened.
Imagine my excitement when I got my cognitive psychology text book, I literally almost did backflips studying it today, I just couldn't put it down, page after page, hypothesis after hypothesis, I am intrigued because of the positive energy I learned to apply when learning about life science.

I am forever greatful to have had a teacher like her, she really did shape my future.

I am careful with my hope

love, trust, hope, faith..
What do these things mean to me? How do I use them?

love is when you admire someone and you want more of them and you want them to want you.. I believe that there are different types of love, but the love I'm writing about here is relationship love..

Love does not necessarily mean trust, one's love for someone might turn them into possessive overprotective people and that is the absence of trust.
Love may not necessarily have faith. one might not see a future with the one they love and that is the absence of faith..

In life, in my life I have loved, not allot but I have had atleast 2 relationships where I was truelly in love. One where love just wasn't enough to make it work and the other where love was based on vanity and materials.. Ofcourse love is common but true love is not easy to come by, true love is the kind of love that sets your heart on fire, the kind of love that just makes you want to risk it all. Not to confuse true love with lust ofcourse. When you are truly in love you just want to exist in the other person's life, you want to be there with them, for them, around them, you want to be a part of his life..

But when you give your all and get burned you lose hope.
I thought that this love was the love that lasted forever, I trusted him and all the dreams he sold me, I had faith in the love he said he had for me and most of all I had hope.. Hope is what keeps love alive, hope that it will last, hope that he'll keep his word, hope that the universe wants you too to be.. when hope is alive love is alive..

When I was burned by love I lost hope.. it wasn't a bad burn, just a first degree one, I healed pretty quickly because "I'm a boss Bch" but I lost hope..

I love, I continue to love but I love carefully, guarding this love, guarding my heart, guarding myself. I know not to involve hope, because once hope comes alive shields fall and once shields have fallen love is broken and hope is lost..

once hope is lost and found again it comes back different, bruised, and each time hope is bruised the more vulnerable love becomes, the weaker it becomes..

I am careful with my hope..

Destiny

I just want to go.. far away from here.. just pick a road and travel to the end of it. I want something new, a new scene, new people, new experiences..

This comfort zone is no longer comfortable, my bed is no longer welcoming, my pillows no longer comforts my head. I lay awake every night, sometimes tossing and turning, this house no longer feels like a home. I have over stayed my welcome.

The skies are grey, colours are dim, the silence is tormenting and there is nothing of my own.
I crave independence, I crave responsibility, I thirst for employment, I thirst for a living. My body wants to be alone, my mind is tired of the pointless chatter. I yurn for a conversation with like minded individuals my age, I crave friendship, I crave a social life. When I chose this life I never thought I'd be choosing prison, no way out, you stay, you cook, you clean, you study, you say please and thank you, you better exercise if you know what's good for you, or else. Church.. No friends allowed, no dating allowed. "we lock the gate at 6 in this house" you better not complain. you better be good. you better pray. you better drive that car where it needs to be driven and you had better be damn happy about it....

The winds of change please blow this way..
ohh destiny, please intervene..

The story of the bald frog with a wig

Well, there was once a young girl who believed wayyy too much in fairytails? The girl got sick, stage 2 luchemia. During chemotherapy she lost all her hair, so her best friend brought her different wigs every time she'd come visit. The little girl read the story about the princess and the frog. She was convinced that if she would kiss a frog she would be free from her cancer. And so one rainy day  while leaving the g
Hospital she saw a bald frog, the girl picked the frog up but couldn't bring herself to kissing it, she then gave the frog one of her wigs so he too wouldn't be bald.